Before I begin, I'd just state clearly that the creation of this blog was solely for my own personal reflection: my own walk with Christ and how He's leading me.
14th July 2016.
The night was quiet and unbearably long. I opened my Google Maps and as per usual, swipe my fingers across the screen aimlessly, zooming in and out, swiping back and forth. I have absolutely no idea where to go and what to do when images of run down houses that I did not give a second thought to, came to mind.
Vision from God?
Call it a vision, I can't be sure. But the message was clear: After visiting and touring all the big cities of Malaysia, have you actually gone to see the people who needed help?
I prayed about it long and hard and I sought my mother's advice. She told me she'd give me all the support that I'd need and will pray for me. But I still cannot figure it out. It felt hard and... Weird. Like venturing into the unknown! Am I even called to full time ministry? Am I called to be a missionary? What am I going to do there? Everything is blurry and vague. God, I'm scared.
So I started reading up on the net, about how missionaries go about doing and planning their stuff. Where do they begin? Church? Okay, I will research on the churches present. Taking into Google Maps again as well as the Anglican Diocese of West Malaysia website, I skimmed through what felt like only a handful of churches in the state of Johor and decided that I will narrow it down to 2: St James' Church, Batu Pahat, and St Stephen's Church, Yong Peng.
The stage is set, and I'm on my way.
Leap of Faith
God, I can't exclaim how scared I was. How uncertain and how worried I was. What am I going to say, what am I going to do, who am I going to face? But I knew that God will provide a way. The story of how Christ told His disciples to go into a town and get a donkey, then tell its owner that God wants to use it? Yea that was my motivating factor; the reason why I didn't turn back and back out.
15th July, 2016.
I set off for Batu Pahat. I was caught in a massive thunderstorm and had to seek shelter at a toll booth. After a very long wait, I was quite certain the rain was not subsiding, I braved the storm and headed for a nearby eatery for lunch. My mind was blank at the time. My heart, questioning the Will of God and whether what I am planning to do was right.
No, I never consulted any pastor because I figure, I will be met with criticisms from all directions. So I proceeded and prayed for guidance.
Now I will just digress and talk about why criticisms:
- I'm going on a motorcycle.
- I'm going unprepared.
- Because of personal and other issues (ex girlfriend and whatever not), I have not served in church for a bit.
- I've had issues with God previously and my relationship with God is bittersweet.
- I've not a very good "church's portfolio".
When I reached St James' Church, I was in total shock. The church was locked and apparently, there wasn't anyone in it. I tried contacting the pastor in charge (contact was found in the diocesan webpage), but it was but an empty number. No wait, God you're kidding me. I felt cheated. A chat with the locals in the neighbourhood told me that the church was never opened. Maybe only during service days but the rest of the week, the church is closed.
I was so pissed, really. With God.
I texted mum. Mum asked, what is going to be my next step.
"I'll leave Batu Pahat and head to Yong Peng."
And I left.
St James' Church, Batu Pahat, Johor, Malaysia
Mountain of Doubts
The journey to Yong Peng felt like some of my longest rides. Uncertainties and questions for God mounted sky high. God, stop toying me around will you. Why did I even come out and came this far? I felt truly unprepared.
I reached Yong Peng in about an hour and a half. And in between, I took more breaks than I needed to get me there. Every few minutes, I found myself doubting and questioning God for His purpose for me. Things got worse when I reached. The church gates were opened, but no one was in. I knocked at the door of the office and walked around the entire compound. Nothing.
"Who's there?" Suddenly a voice from within shouted out and I heard footsteps coming towards me.
"Are you the pastor here?"
"Yes, and you are?"
"Chenxing, from Singapore. Here to... Uhm... Explore and find out more about the churches here."
He brought me around the vicinity and introduced me to the history of the place. He also opened up the church's main worship hall for me so that I could take a look despite his tight schedules. It was only later that I realised that he was preparing for a bible studies class later in the evening for the elderlies.
I went on to ask about the church and how it has been doing. Most of which, I will not share here as it is quite confidential. However, he did mention a thing or two about humanitarian efforts the church has done during the tsunami and the like. Evangelical work are also mainly done overseas. Some evangelical rallies are done but it is restricted to short term evangelical work.
When I asked about local evangelical work, he shrugged and told me, "it's quite sensitive here, you know".
"Actually, people in Yong Peng are quite rich. They're all landowners and they don't talk about it."
That moment on, I figure, I've asked the wrong person, gone to the wrong place.
St Stephen's Church, Yong Peng, Johor, Malaysia
Vision Resurfaced
31st July, 2016.
The message preached during sermon was about forgiving one another as that is one of the key factor about loving one another. Every bit of the sermon reminded me of how I sought forgiveness from my ex girlfriend, for things I thought I did wrong that hurt her, but to no avail. Now things are really getting me. Just what on Earth is God trying to tell me / teach me / discipline me with.
That night I really couldn't sleep. Hours after hours, I thought through what God is trying to tell me. Things that I should have learnt, from my experiences of not being able to find a job, to my failed relationship, to conflicting mindsets with people within my cell-group... Maybe the problem was that I was too fixated on achieving Earthly goals and ambition that I've overlooked something that is far greater than life. Maybe I have overlooked what God deems as important and dwelled in something that I thought was best for me.
I was again struck with the vision of the countless run down houses. I did a bit of read up in to the urban-rural disparities in Malaysia and realised that the need is real. Household average income in the three-digit range, with human rights issues and whatever have you... That moment, I was convicted. I'm going, again.
Leap of Faith, Once Again
1st August, 2016.
After a very long prayer, I planned my route and took to the road again. However, this time, I have no destination in mind. My prayer went like this, "Father, I don't know where You'd want me to go. But if it is truly Your Will, I will go along the highway to Mersing, the highway with the most rural villages. There are houses that are open whereby tourists along the highway may take a short break and have a meal. If it is Your Will, guide me to a house. I will eat there and someone will come and talk to me and ask me for help. If it is Your Will, let it be so. In the Name of Christ, Amen."
So I took to the road once again. This time, I stopped at every eatery and prayed to God to see if it was the right one. Every one of them gave me a weird sensation. There is absolutely no peace within me. So after roughly 3 hours on a route to Mersing, a route that should take me only 2 hours, I gave up. Funny enough, a voice said to me, "you're tired, go to Loke Tien and have a meal". (Loke Tien Yuen is a restaurant in the town centre of Mersing).
What? Honestly? After all these? You told me, to give up and have a meal? God, I'm more than happy because I'm famished!
Without giving a second thought, I went. Took me really quickly to get there but it was closed when I reached. Are you really kidding me, Father? I turned round, and ate at another restaurant which I used to eat at previously. I took a really long break and I questioned God what exactly was He trying to do when He asked me to go. I even doubted that it is God's Will to serve the people out there whom I know are in need! But I guess, I just needed some time...
"God, please guide me. Let me do what You'd want me to do, say what You'd want me to say, lead me to where You'd want me to go. I will not do other things other than what You're going to tell me".
"Search Gereja". (Gereja, when translated into English, means Church.)
I did. And to my horror, there were only 3 churches in the entire town of Mersing. There are only 2 options that are Christian: Gereja Kristen Xian or Gereja Presbyterian Mersing. I chose the latter one and I went.
Gereja Presbyterian Mersing is a small Evangelical outpost in the town of Mersing. With lesser than 30 attendees, the evangelical outpost is not big enough to be noted as a church.
The gate was unlocked and I went inside. There were absolutely no one except for a small living quarters at the back of the church. I did not dare to bother them as I didn't know who they were initially. But after about 30 minutes, I mustered the guts and shouted, "Anybody home?"
"Yes, who's there," Mr Wong, the husband of the pastor responded.
"Chenxing, I'm from Singapore. I just wanted to know more about this church."
Gereja Presbyterian Mersing, Mersing, Johor, Malaysia
This was how it all started.
The sharing was fruitful. I managed to talk to the only pastor serving in the church and I managed to find out some of their struggles.
Below are some of the church statistics for last week:
Sunday Service Attendees - 28
Prayer Meeting Attendees - 4
Sunday School Attendees - 9
Youth Camp - 45
Their biggest concern of the moment was that the children who attended the youth camp are extremely active in church activities. Due to the lack of people serving and the widening age gap, the pastor is finding it hard to cope with the kids and to gain their attention in Sunday School.
I knew I had a calling. I'm not sure how God will lead me now, but I promised the pastor that I will be back to observe their Sunday School and gatherings. I need to know what the situation really is before I can decide on what I can do next.
Just imagine how empty this would be with only 28 attendees.
I do not know how this will end. I don't know whether my service is sustainable. I don't even know whether this is truly what God wants me to do. But there is a need. Or at least, God showed it to me. Whatever I'll do, whatever that's required to be done, we will leave it all to God. To God be the glory.
